Time

I've decided that the only sure thing in life is the passage if time. Everything else is up for grabs. Things happen or they don't happen. Some people say it's fate or God's grace that is responsible for everything that happens to us. I tend to agree. I guess it's because of God's grace that time exists at all, come to think of it.

No, this isn't a spiritual post. Just been thinking about time lately--how quickly or slowly  it passes depending on what I am doing, how incredibly predictable it is. It's the one thing you can always count on. Think about it. No matter what happens one day, then next one is always hours away whether you want it or not.

I sound like a 90-year old lady, ruminating on her life. Pathetic.

I'm just not good at managing time. Better than I used to be, but I still suck at planning, organizing and following through and then doing it over again the next day.

I have finished being a student teacher. My schedule has changed so much that I can't help but obsessing about time. How I'm going to use it. Will I use it appropriately? Do my days have enough structure, or am I just one chip bag away from a downward spiral into anxiety and lethargy? I feel sort of like a rug has been pulled out from under me. Here I was structured to the hilt for 3 1/2 months. Leave at 7 come home at 4. Teach these certain classes then, prep for them then. Feel the adrenaline rush at the beginning of  each class. Feel the terror of classroom management gone awry. Relax when it's all over. Do it again tomorrow. Be on stage all the time. 40 kids staring at me. Why are there so many of them? This must be against fire code. This lesson better be good.

Then suddenly it's all over.

Work is good for me. Structure is exactly that--a support to keep me from veering off into unmanageable directions.

Here is what has consumed my time the past 10 days since student teaching got done:

1. Watching TV and movies. Watching the Titanic. The best movie ever made. Love it. Could watch it endlessly all day long. It still entertains me. Watching The Big Bang Theory. I have never watched anything that makes me laugh so uproariously. Watching Elementary.Watching Downton Abbey season 3 for the 4th time and still being so mad at the end. Still loving Mr. Bates (my favorite character) and missing Sybil even though I have watched her die 4 times now. I think that was the most gripping piece of drama I have ever seen on TV. I still cry for poor Sybil. And I hate that awful Harley Street doctor.  I have never watched so much TV in my life. All the Brady Bunches and Gilligan Islands that I watched after school for years and years couldn't equal the amount of TV I have consumed lately. It's not near the amount the average American watches. It's just a lot for me, someone who hasn't watched TV for years.

2. Looking for jobs. Waiting for interviews. Wondering what if I have WAY too much time next fall. Checking district websites and worrying. Recreating the perfect classroom layout in my mind.

3. I have not been reading. I don't know why. This bothers me. I have not been able to read for so long, that I still think it's taboo--that I should be doing something else. I need to go to the library and start to give myself permission to just read. Never thought I'd ever say that.

4. Driving. People. Everywhere. Filled up the car Friday. Filled it up again this morning. All of the sudden I feel like a taxi service. I didn't used to feel like that, did I? Yes, I'm sure I did. Yesterday I was in the car off an on from 1:30 to 7:30. Nathan is reffing soccer and so that adds to it. HE GOT HIS LEARNER'S PERMIT YESTERDAY. He and all the other people he knew at the DMV. Party for 15-year olds at the DMV.  He listed his eyes were green on his license and I say they're blue. We argued. There wasn't a greenish-blue choice. He also said his hair is brown. It is not. It's just winter. Wait til summer. HIS EYES ARE BLUE AND HIS HAIR IS BLOND AND THAT'S HOW I WANT IT TO STILL BE. Yesterday I felt so old watching him, all grown up, sweating buckets waiting to take the test.

Look what time has done. Even eye color can change with time.

4. Cleaning. Cooking. Laundry. Mundane stuff. The stuff life is made of.

5. Trying to exercise every day but I'm not quite there. Trying to change my thinking about it. Exercise becomes effective when you do it because of how it makes you feel rather than for weight loss goals. I am trying to make this my mantra.

James Taylor's lyrics "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time," has new meaning for me these days.