Sex Education the Guy Way

It amazes me how men simplify things whereas women complicate things endlessly. Take sex ed at home.

Today we were reading the The Great Brain. We were at the when the brothers are talking about dog breeding and mating. Darren took this opportunity to ask Nathan what he knew about dogs mating and how it works. Go figure. Without a pause he moved right on to human mating before I could even blink. I was in the same room typing up something for my young women's lesson. I typed slower and slower and made more and more mistakes because I couldn't believe what I was hearing out of the blue on a Sunday afternoon.

It went something like this. Well, I don't want the parental controls to short circuit or anything, so I'll just say that my son will forever think that canine mating is the same as human mating, and that his Mom was laughing like a hyena in the background. I hope he can get the image out of his mind on his wedding night. Maybe someday he'll vow to explain things to his own children better that his own parents did. Or maybe Darren's right. The way to do it is to somehow weave the details into something that it remotely resembles, like animal mating. And then pray they don't want too many details.

In other words, the mechanics of it all was spelled out within five minutes and they were back to The Great Brain. When I turned around to look at Darren incredulously, he replied "What? That's how guys do it." Amazing. Nathan was bit red-faced and eager to get on with the story, but basically unscathed.

It was not like that for me and my girls. I worried and fretted when my oldest daughter started asking me questions--IN SECOND GRADE, NO LESS--and composed myself to come up with some textbook answers. She was young enough not to be embarrassed, and she sat thoughtfully after our little talk, with a bemused look on her face. Of course I was riddled with worry. "Is this too much information?" "Is she too young?" "Will she tell a friend?" all went through my mind. I was sick to my stomach that I had said the wrong things.

My second daughter would run from the room whenever I broached the subject, and we still have yet to have "the" conversation. Now she's 14 and it's too late. If I tried to talk to her now, she'd be halfway down the street before I could get out a sentence, madly texting her BFF how insane her mother is. "Can you even believe it, BFF?" she'd dash off.

So, Nathan's "done" so to speak. I do hope Darren smoothes things over a bit in the next little while. As for me, I'm through complicating things. I still have one girl to go, though. An approach somewhere between Darren's and mine would be ideal, but life isn't ideal.

I think I'm gonna buy her a book.